What’s Done Is Done…
What’s done is done. Events, actions, confrontations, cannot simply be undone, because you’re sorry. While it’s difficult to accept, and most addicts don’t want to even think about it at all, some things simply can’t be made right, right away. If you want to begin a life in recovery, it’s one of the first things you need to come to terms with. The past can’t be remade. The voices of the committee (you remember The Committee) would like to pull you down with recriminations, useless remorse (addicts are always remorseful), self-pity, and fantasized “if-only”. If you are fortunate, you will be told that these energies would best (and must) be spent creating the actions, structures, and personality changes that will be required if you are going to prevent these things from happening again. Things like lost jobs; failed marriages; alienated children; squandered opportunities; bitter friends; and a record of lying, cheating and stealing from the ones we loved most. Years and years of selfish, self-centered, destructive living cannot be waved aside with a wish to start fresh.
The fact is, the notion of forgive and forget is a myth, probably constructed by an addict looking to get an easy pass. First, people never forget. And you don’t want them to forget. Being the kind of people we are, if they were to forget, we’d be inclined to do the same things to them all over again. Memory is forever, and that is a good thing for us. “Forgive”, is a bit more lenient. People forgive you for the things you did to them one memory at a time. That is they replace one bad memory with one good memory, every time you give them a chance to see you in action in recovery. So if there were fifteen Christmases that you ruined for everyone, if you show up clean and try to be of service to your family on Christmas, now there are only 14 more good Christmases you have to give people to wipe out the bad memories. Not quite what an addict likes to hear. Of course it isn’t quite this bleak, but people do need to know you’re serious, in more then just a casual way. Years of using makes skeptics out of our biggest boosters.
On the other hand, virtually every one who really loves you is dying to see you make it. And they have been dying to see you make it for a long time. So there’s every reason to believe that you will be getting plenty of support and “atta-boys”, every time you surprise people with a good showing. Remember in general we are people who others expected to go far. So if we begin to do well you may actually get some “it’s about time” type stuff. Any adult behavior on our part will be considered a long time coming and just about any response from others is justified. But because we are developing some personal consistency, persistence and tolerance for others (more about that soon), our ability to handle the gratuitous digs and sideswipes grows as we do. We become a lot less sensitive. We learn to take a punch. Try to never react in anger. Learn to take a good natured ribbing. Normal people have been doing it for decades. They never collapsed because of it, you won’t either. Your sense of yourself no longer needs to be based on what others think of you. For all you know, they may know virtually nothing about you. Worse, they may know nothing at all. The best thing about the past should be your daily commitment (through action), never to relive it again. Looking forward is a lot easier then looking backward; also it’s a lot easier on your neck.
