Meet the Committee
Do you think people with cancer wake up in the morning and the disease tells them they don’t have cancer? Not likely. Do you think people with heart disease wake up in the morning and the disease tells them they don’t have heart disease? I don’t think so. Do you think people with diabetes wake up in the morning and the disease tells them they don’t have diabetes? Hardly. But this is exactly what addiction does to the addict if she lets it. Especially during the first year of clean and sober time, the disease acting as the “committee of one”, speaks to you; gnaws at you; cajoles; reasons; pleads; demands; ridicules; demeans, and in every possible way tries to undermine your efforts to build sobriety. Why? Simple, your addiction has a mission. And its mission is to see you dead. And it will not rest until it has succeeded in this mission. How does it do this? What does it say to you? Listen. Does any of this sound familiar?
1. “You’re not really an addict Although you’ve had considerable problems and consequences, now after a period of sobriety, you really do know how to handle your drug use. This time it will definitely be different.”
2. “Many of the problems you had when you were using really had nothing to do with drug use. Now that those problems are no longer around (your wife, your job, your girlfriend), you will be able to use drugs socially.”
3. “Under pressure from others, you’ve really magnified your memory of the problems you had. It really wasn’t as bad as everybody is making it out to be.”
4. “Let’s be honest. You will never be able to go your whole life without using (I don’t care what those people say about ‘a day at a time’),so why are you torturing yourself. You’re going to get high at some point. That point might as well be today”.
5. “You’re really too sick to stay clean. Too much water under the bridge. While others have been able to get clean, it will never work for you. They’re not as sick as you.”
And this is only the stuff that your disease tells you regarding your drug use behavior. How about the stuff about resentments, insecurities, perceived slights and rebuffs, the problems of the world, (“everything is so screwed up – the only reasonable response from a ‘caring’ and ‘concerned’ citizen of the planet like me, is to get loaded, and let everyone else go to hell”). Then there’s your own extreme sensitivity (“drugs are my armor- without it I’ll die- or commit suicide- so by using, I’m actually saving my life”).
The voices of the committee are very persuasive and very insidious. They know our deepest fears and weaknesses. They know which messages will resonate and which ones won’t. If you don’t share these feeling with someone- your counselor, parents wife/ husband, mentor, anyone (which of course the voices are telling you not to do- “don’t tell anyone what you’re thinking. They don’t care. They won’t understand. They’ll think your nuts. They won’t like you”), the implied truth and credibility of the voices will grow. The voices will seem reasonable; you will have very little defense against their perceptiveness.
Never underestimate the power of the illness. In addition to being cunning, baffling and powerful, it has another killer characteristic, it’s patient. It has all the time in the world. It’s not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere. It’s willing to wait as long as it takes. It will never be happy that you’re sober, and it’s willing to appear dormant and disarmed in order to lull you into the complacency it believes will be required to get you back.
