What’s Done Is Done…

What’s done is done.  It cannot be undone.  One of the first things you need to come to terms with when you enter recovery is that the past cannot be remade.  The voices (The Committee-you remember The Committee) would like to pull you down with recriminations, useless remorse (addicts are always remorseful), self-pity, and fantasized “if-onlys”.  If you are fortunate, you will be told by counselors you trust that these energies would best (and must) be spent creating the actions, structures, and personality changes that will be required if we are going to prevent these things from happening again.  Things like lost jobs; failed marriages; alienated children; squandered opportunities; bitter friends; and a record of lying, cheating and stealing from the ones we loved most. Years and years of selfish, self-centered, destructive living cannot be waved aside with a wish to start fresh.

A very smart person- much smarter then me- once said that the notion of forgive and forget is a myth, probably constructed by an addict looking to get an easy pass.  First, people never forget.  And you don’t want them to forget.  Being the kind of people we are, if they were to forget we’d be inclined to do the same things to them all over again.  Memory is forever, and that is a good thing for us.  “Forgive”, is a bit more lenient.  We’re told that people forgive us for the things we did to them, one memory at a time”.  That is they replace one bad memory with one good memory, every time you give them a chance to see you in action.  So if there were fifteen Christmases that you ruined for everyone, if you show up normal, just trying to enjoy your family on Christmas,  you only have 14 more good Christmases you have to give people, to wipe out the bad memories.  Not quite what we like to hear.

On the other hand, virtually every one who really loves you is dying to see you make it.  And they have been dying to see you make it for a long time.  So there’s every reason to believe that you will be getting plenty of support and “atta-boys”, every time you surprise people with a good showing.  Remember in general we are people who others expected to go far.  So if we begin to do well you may actually get some “it’s about time” type stuff.  Any adult behavior on our part will be considered a long time coming and just about any response from others is justified.  But because we are developing some personal consistency, persistence and tolerance for others (more about that soon), our ability to handle the gratuitous digs and sideswipes grows as we do.  We become a lot less sensitive.  We learn to take a punch.  Not a big deal. Just the kind of stuff normal people have been doing for the past 5,000 years.